theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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