After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
