I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
