I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
