Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
