Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
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