so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
