i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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