If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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