I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
