is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
