Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Can I color on your dick again?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
