i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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