I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
dude. I can hear the air.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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