my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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