I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
