I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
