i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
