he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
