my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
