Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
