Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
