we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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