So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
