your room smells of hookers.
And success
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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