her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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