Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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