i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
