I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
