ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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