Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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