4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You can't special order awesome
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
