It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
