Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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