How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
