i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
