why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
