just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
