maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
