put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
