Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
