so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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