if i can run in heels then i can drive
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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