dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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