I wish I could teleport
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
