My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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