remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
