my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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