this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
