Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
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Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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