in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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