My friends, they love my intelligence
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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