so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
