i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
