Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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