I am midnight drunk by noon
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
