I am puke
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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