Fine. I'll sleep in my office
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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