My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
