I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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